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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Glad to Be Blogging again...Crossroads Reflection

I've been looking forward to the chance to reflect on the past couple of weeks since I last got to blog. (several new posts of the kids follow this one!)

It seems to be a crossroads of sorts for a good way. Here's how:

  • I am feeling really myself and physically 100% again.
  • The scope of the ministry of now having two kids is setting in and molding me (us).
  • The amazing and so easily consuming aspects of ministry in a new school (UHS-update several posts below) are hitting Jared and therefore us.
  • The need to work through and embrace what fills my days with 2 kids as opposed to the aspects of ministry outside of the home I used to engage in much more so.
  • The reality of how easy it is to lose touch as a couple simply juggling extra demands.
So, where am I at in this crossroads? Well, quite providentially, Jared had to be away for the better part of 5 days and, surprisingly?, the pressing need to reflect upon what's listed above really caught my attention.
Sort of ironic, or surprising? I think it was that stretching that makes it so apparent that you cannot proceed--at least not well--in your own strength that brought me into deeper communion with the Lord in those days. Isn't God so good? Some days I was up with one at 5am and put the other down at 11pm. There were no extended quiet times (even past 5 minutes of "My Utmost For His Highest"!). But, in His supreme goodness, the Lord met me and taught me and reminded me of a great deal that I share mostly for myself, but perhaps there's some encouragement for you:)

I again was reminded of how easy it is to "demand" of a servant-hearted husband. Be selfish in my fatigue and only think of my needs--I am repenting of this and asking the Lord to give me the firm resolve to serve Jared in the ways I know he needs to be healthy himself. We are on the front lines in seeing young people be brought from darkness to light and the Enemy doesn't like it. My husband needs the space to commune with God as he faces spiritual attack daily because of what he does and as he seeks to exercise headship with a strong-willed, opinionated and too easily domineering wife. (I am NOT being too hard on myself here!)

I learned much of the sweetness of these days. To be able to run up and down the basketball court with JJ--I love having a boy! To talk to sweet, little cooing baby Susie and see the light in her eyes for her mama. To laugh with my son and shower kisses and hugs that he continues to eagerly snatch up. To have them both here and healthy and BE THANKFUL for that gift. I remember how tired I was as a teacher--hoping I was planting seeds, but working with tough terrain that had been so poorly treated for so many years. I am that kind of tired in the busiest of these days, but I see instantaneous rewards and am able to start with new soil and by God's grace, nurture it well.

I allowed the Lord to show me how my heart has become detached from what we do with high school students, by not experiencing it firsthand. In seeing this, I was reminded how quickly I could become embittered for the ways my husband is called away as he lives out this calling upon our lives. And, in turn, this has caused me to raise up a cry to have Him lead my heart and provide ways to re-connect with the ministry--to revive my heart in what we do. I note the "wisdom of the years" that holds me back from jumping into vast needs in the ministry, not willing to see the home be sacrificed, but yet, knowing and believing our faithful God wants to grant a lifeline that stokes the passion for what we do--fueling intercession and inspiring encouragement for my husband.

Isn't the Lord so good to us?? I read the following verses as a part of a courtship narrative at my friend Cindy's wedding and they often strike a chord in my heart in times of reflection:

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you...
How can I repay the Lord for all His goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD."
Psalm 116: 7, 12-13

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