Another Update from CSU...Inspired Again

I just returned from the 10th Avenue North concert...it was such a blessing. I surprised myself by suggesting perhaps I could go with my teammate, Shannon, and Jared stay back. I've been just as happy to stay in most evenings and watch the live feeds of the sessions that I can get after JJ goes to bed, but tonight, I thought "Why don't I just go??!!"

That decision is kind of indicative of what God has been doing in my heart and life in these past few weeks culminating here at CSU. I've once again been finding myself in this place of "holding back" and limiting myself based on what I can see. I feel the presence of my mom as I see the Lord break me out in ways of this "dwarfed" thinking. Sort of her last words to me via my sister, Kristen, were "tell Abby not to 'hold back'".

For most of my life my mother would have advised me to 'hold back' as she saw me jump head first into academics, sports, later missions...living this both perfectionistic and dreamy-eyed view of the world and also the signifigance I could have in it. She was always just reminding me to 'relax' and 'be' and was always concerned I would burn out.

I can say now that those concerns were very valid and in many ways with a wide array of circumstances in my mid-twenties I did 'burn out' or even 'break down'.

What has happened since in the 10 years since then has been fighting the opposite tendency to just live a "dwarfed" gray-tinged life...but the beauty of it has been that in the wisdom of these years, I truly see how the inspiration and faith to step out truly take believing and relying on the Lord's Spirit--being so fully aware of my own limitations.

Well, I can say that I have definitely been wanting to retreat in and just have felt weary in every way--emotionally, physically, and especially spiritually. I've been wondering where is my heart to pray for the great things I want to believe God has in store for us in this life He's called us to? I've settled for just "getting by" and had many reasons that this is just the "season" that I am in. I will be very clear and say that I know that God loves me just as deeply when I am living like this as when I might be stepping out in great faith, but if I truly reflect on the Life I want to live--grey-tinged glasses just will not do.

Through hearing the hearts of leaders like our President, Steve Douglass, Vice President, Steve Sellers, Family Life Founder, Dennis Rainey, our Student Venture Director, Daryl Smith and getting to worship with so many on similar journeys...the theme has come through loud and clear: "What are you willing to believe God for?"

I am being reminded of a God who yet will do the miraculous...Who indeed is working in incredible ways all over the World. The original vision of Bill Bright, Founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, was to see "the Great Comission fulfilled in our generation". He believed the Lord for it to the end and as we've heard some of the histories of different ministries that have come out of Campus Crusade, it has been said that the most prominent thing people would say of him was "he's crazy". He believed God for the humanly impossible and time and time again saw the Lord bring to life things like "the Jesus Film" that have touched billions of people in ways we cannot fathom.

This is the legacy we inherit as we have been blessed to be called to this ministry family. It is one I believe that flows right from the pages of the Scriptures and seemlessly links with the times of the apostles and the Early Church. Slowly I can see the cynicism and dullness of my heart and vision be washed away and pure faith in the God who lives and is good and calls all of us to take Him at His Word take its place.

I am beginning to silence what I hold onto--my family with a 2nd child on the way. All of the doubts of whether I can juggle anything significant in ministry with this family...the ways I want Jared to fill up where I need to rely on the Lord's strength. This does not mean that I am to disregard priorities of home, motherhood, wifehood...but simply, I think, to trust that the Lord has even more of a heart to see those things be honored in my life than I do and that in letting go I will find them becoming even more precious and His and more full of the fruit of His Spirit.

It is a beautiful thing coming in the midst of a third trimester of pregnancy with all that can weigh one down (no pun intended;), trials of sickness (including JJ throwing up TODAY), and in many ways a hard first year of ministry filled with disappointments where hopes had been much higher...

This is so often how our Great God works. He takes us to a place where everything that could bring us comfort circumstancially is taken away and we have to ask ourselves if we really believe "He is for us"?? In the words of the last section of Romans 8 (I have it all memorized--finished the day before we came here!) "If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own son but GAVE HIM UP FOR US ALL, how will He not also with him graciously give us all things?" Everything we need to love and LIVE FOR HIM!...All that matters...

I don't know how many of you will read this (as it's rather long and no pictures), but if you get to here, I want to challenge you to not "hold back" in this life. Do not believe that grey-tinged lenses are right for you...believe the Lord for more. Trust Him and ask Him to give you His desires in ways you may never have opened yourself up to. Will you believe Him for the salvation of your neighbors? Will you believe Him to greatly increase or perhaps begin a ministry to a sector of people in your circle of influence that you are uniquely equipped to reach? Will you come together with your husband or wife or your Savior and throw out old habits and ways that bind you into patterns of complacency and will you ask Him for fresh vision and the belief that "He is able to do EXCEEDINGLY, IMMEASURABLY, BEYOND ALL WE COULD ASK FOR OR IMAGINE"?

I promise to do the same by His grace and strength alone.

Update from CSU

"CSU" for those of you who don't know (most, I assume) stands for Colorado State University and that is where we are at. We talk about CSU as the bi-annual conference all U.S. staff are required to go to for Campus Crusade. I was exempted 2 years ago with being full-term with JJ at the time of the conference. This time I am "only" 7-8 months pregnant:) so I am here. Truth be told, I probably could have applied for an exemption, but I didn't want to because it's a big family reunion. We see people here that we haven't seen for years...like the people we trained with 2 and 1/2 years ago to join CCC staff. And others that we only see at special events...so it is great!

I have been feeling the pregnancy here, however. We do alot of walking and my sciatic nerve was going crazy last night (lots of pain in the back side, hard to walk) but prayerfully it went away during a picnic today while I was sitting in the grass of all things! I am so thankful.

Unfortunately, I don't have a way to upload the pictures I've taken so far. There's been a fun carnival and JJ got to ride a "choo choo" and a "erse" (horse) and I will post those pictures when I can. It's tough to be surrounded by the Rockies and not be able to hike:( The good thing is that I can in 2 years!) but it really is beautiful and I am enjoying the break from the Florida heat.

JJ also gets to go to child care during the day. Today was his first day and he did great! (other than the normal crying when I leave him there) In general, the kids love child care and I'm so happy he gets to interact with other kids. He's in the 2 year-old class A (there are 4 or 5 2year-old classes alone!) and there are 15 kids and four college age or older girls that work with his class. They have their hands full! But they are really sweet and love JJ:) I actually kept him there today from 8:30-3:30pm and he took his afternoon nap there. I didn't know how he would do, but he did the best of any in the class...sleeping about 2 hours!

This is great because if he naps well there then Jared and I can go to the morning session together and to afternoon seminars. Even though we miss him, it really is a unique opportunity for us (me especially) to be able to hear from the ministry leaders and special speakers. Today and tomorrow we hear from Tim Keller who is pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan and I really enjoyed him. He spoke today of the Gospel for the believer and how in "Americaology" we have made even our surrender to God and desire to have Him enter our life a means of somehow doing something good enough to earn God's favor. He also talked about how often when we speak to non-believers we really need to start with where we "boast" in our flesh even more than our areas of sin/brokenness. That is because it is so subtley a part of the core of our humanness to think that we can do something to please God. We take even the amazing good things we are to be about--raising Godly children, making the Gospel known to teenagers, loving our neighbors--as things which define us and "justify our existence". He talked alot about how in Americaology we all must have a VPR--Validation Performance Record. Something that says we are worth being alive, etc.

Needless to say, it was really great to hear...I so appreciate the blessing of being able to come here and be renewed. Though I am tired and weary and actually have had near breakdowns (today was so much better) I know that it is a gift to be here. It was amazing the amount of things we had "thrown at us" before coming here and when I finally saw that we were being attacked spiritually to discourage us before CSU, I got really excited knowing that God was preparing something very special for us here.

We will be here until next Thursday, the 30th, and I will give you another update, probably. Can't wait to post some pictures!

When It Rains It Pours...

I hope you enjoy reading the next several posts about our time in PA and NJ as we travelled north to visit family and friends...I am so thankful to have gotten these posts up...concerning the title to this post it has been "pouring" sickness in my life. Nothing so serious, just difficult to feel anywhere near a level of functioning I would hope for--compounded, of course, by being in the third trimester of a pregnancy.

I got sick after JJ did while we were in PA. I was actually angry that the Lord would let it happen. Though not right to be so, it was how I honestly felt. I was so wanting to have a great, "to the full" time at home and instead, I found myself battling sickness.

We have been blessed with a pretty healthy past few months and it's so easy to take that for granted. Thankfully JJ was over his sickness quickly and really didn't have a runny nose or cough at all (I am so glad). Jared got sick but only briefly (I say he has the "Bert constitution" from his mother's family)--I tell you this husband of mine is STRONG when it comes to fighting off sickness and not getting down physically with anything--sickness or lack of sleep. What a rock!

I, however, be it because of the pregnancy or whatever, got WALLOPED with an intense cold. If I used 1 tissue I have used 500 over the past 9 or 10 days! I couldn't sleep a couple of nights at home and started to cough this week. I started on an antibiotic this past Monday and am definitely better. However, I found out yesterday (Tuesday) that I have pink eye which I have never had--I really had to laugh just not even imagining what could come next! Perspective however, reminds me that it is annoying and frustrating but really nothing compared to what so many I know and love have been battling (cancer and the like).

But, you can pray please that I fully recover before we fly to Colorado next Monday. We will be heading to the bi-annual national Campus Crusade Conference in Fort Collins, CO. I have been looking forward to this, but know it will be a taxing 10 days as everything seems to take so much more out of me at this point in the pregnancy.

All in all, I would say that there is a consistent theme of what the Lord has been seeking to teach me amidst this pregnancy. My joy is so easily robbed because of the pressure I put on myself to do "everything" I think "must be done". I have these lists of projects and if I make no progress I consider my day a failure...yes, something is definitely wrong with this thinking, I know. I also have such a hard time knowing my limits--like when I was home, I would have tried to do so much more and see so many more people. In that way, the sickness forced me to focus on what I could possibly do...

Please pray that I will learn more/again/anew how to rest in Jesus. It is the lesson of my life, I think. I know it will only be more important in the days ahead and I truly see how crucial growth in this area is right now for my current peace of mind and ability to love those closest to me.

Do you struggle like I do in this area? Let me know how I can pray for you.